Harsh words...

Ok, so maybe saying all that was a little harsh.. I kind of feel bad now. :( But I have realized a lot about myself. I may be the kind of person who has troubles sharing her emotions, and can't find the right way to talk to some people, but strangely I am quite the weirdo. I don't talk much, and I don't share much, but oh boy do I observe. [Don't get creeped out by this either]... I just watch people, and how they react to things. I watch them going through their trials and tough spots and I feel for them. I don't know why, don't ask me... but I just have some strange weird thing about me that feels so bad for everyone. But that's how I learn, that's how I share how I feel; by touch, and feel. The way I look at someone, the way I smile. It's just who I am, and it's so hard to change and turn into something that everyone needs me to be. I desperately need to share my emotions and opinions out loud, I just don't know how to start. I am scared to try new things, I am scared to let myself be known to a lot of people. Maybe it's because I've been hurt a lot, and maybe I don't trust people anymore... but I have to stop hiding. I need to let the world in. Maybe I'll just move out of the country... then I can share all my feelings out loud and no one can understand a word I'm saying... that will be really good practice. Gosh, there's so much I need to work on, I don't trust myself as much as I need to, or as much as others need me to. I need to be able to make a decision and make it show that I'm definitely for it. I can't hesitate, it's illegal... or at least it should be.. then maybe I'd go to jail and learn from it. Sometimes i think, if I were taller and prettier I'd be more confident to go out and show the world I do exist... but i think I enjoy being invisible better drama isn't as bad when you're not that noticed. Attention is not my thing... i get embarrassed too easily and I can't control the automatic face flushing... But someday... a very smart, perfect, and wonderful man once told me, "There is no obstacle too great, no challenge too difficult, if we have faith." He also told me that it's not my fault, but oh how he was wrong... it is. No matter, what's happened has happened... the only thing I can do is make it better, now the problem is, where do I start? There is so much to fix! Maybe I should start with the hardest first... "SMILE"... It may take a while to do this again... i want to be so mad at everything... at myself... I don't want to let anyone in. It hurts to much to tell everyone my stories, my pain, about me... Why can't I say things like this out loud? I think it's cause I am so terrified of hurting someone's feelings that I just don't express mine. Then I think to myself... how can this hurt other people? I don't know... but somehow it just does. It may just hurt me if I say it; if I admit how weak I am. I honestly don't know. And I hate the words, "I don't know," they cause so much damage that I just can't seem to fix. I want to just lay in the snow and soak up the world. I want to run away and learn about the world. How can it be so beautiful, yet so harmful? I want to go back to California, the way it was in September and forget all the troubles. I just want to look at the ocean, and watch the sun set, to hear the waves tell their stories, the calm and the rough, the harsh and the weak. I want to sit in the endless sand and just lose myself. But I want to do all of this with the ones I love right beside me, holding me in their arms and telling me how much they love and adore me. I don't want to do this alone, but I'm too scared to ask for that welcoming hand, those warm embraces, and the kind looks. I'm ashamed, hurt, and too weak to give back those sweet smiles, and tender hugs. Well, there... I shared my pitiful emotions... I hope it makes the world a better place!

Oh and I started a picture blog: http://soakitin.blogspot.com/