I do keep my promises...

Ok, I do keep my promises, and I did promise to fill you in on what happened with my parents.. um... Well the day before I left to Arizona I called my mother up and asked if I could talk to her and dad. She was asleep by the time I called (9:30pm) and said that if I wanted to talk to both of them that night, it probably wasn't a good idea. So I said, "Ok, I will just talk to you in a week then." Well when I got back from California, I got back on Friday night and I was home by 10:30pm. My family was watching Kung Fu Panda at that time, and both my parents were there... well I was going to ask them if I could talk to them when the movie ended... but when it ended my dad went straight upstairs... So then I said I would talk to them on Sunday. I texted my mom and asked if she and dad were busy. She replied with..."I know you want to talk to us, but I am going to have to refuse until I talk to Jesse first." I was shocked and asked her what in the world she meant and she said that she sent Jesse and email a couple of weeks previously asking if he could meet with her. I informed her that somehow his old email account got deleted so he got a new one and I gave her that.. then she said she still wanted to talk to Jesse and she would talk to me after. I was a little peeved... I felt as though I was being pushed aside after they wanted for me to talk to them so bad.

Well that same day Jesse went over to talk to my mom... and I am not going to go through the whole conversation... but I will pick out the parts that count and matter... She talked to jesse about me... and showed him a paper that said How you feel with the Spirit & How you feel without the Spirit. She then proceeded to tell jesse all the things that refered to me in the "How you feel without the Spirit" portion. She said that not enjoying time around family members is a sign of the Spirit missing, that I was defensive, full of strong anger, that I am empty, hollow and cold inside when I'm around them, that I am secretive and evasive, that I am critical of others, especially family members and those in authority, and that I find the commandments of God and rules of the family bothersome, restricting, or senseless. She also called me head strong and that when I want something no one can talk me out of it. (that last part I happily agree with... because I won't be talked out of marrying Jesse). When my mom said all this about me, I was hurt, depressed, and suddenly confident that I needed to tell my mom that I was marrying Jesse. I don't remember too much more about anything else they talked about, mostly because that is the part that stuck out to me most.

On Monday, the next day, I came home for a while and my mom said she needed to talk to me. So we went into her room and talked. She told me how she felt and that she was upset about this whole thing. She also told me she was really hurt that I didn't tell her anything. Then she told me my communication skills suck, and I said, "You're right!" "They do... and that is my biggest weakness." I then told her the reasons why... that I was scared to talk to the family, that I never really learned how to communicate because she and dad never talked about things like that in front of us (long story), and that we had a huge miscommunication. She told me she was hurt that she wasn't involved and everyone else was. I told her it was because I heard she wasn't coming to the wedding and that she didn't want any part in it. I said, "well if that's the case, then I will just do it myself." I also told her that Judy and Dave weren't doing anything to rub it in her face. They didn't even make any decisions for us. Jesse and I decided everything and cleared it with them, they said it was fine and that it was our decision... so none of it was there fault. Well talked for quite a while, and I told her straight forward that I didn't plan on changing my mind, and I was still getting married on June 3rd. She then told me that this is supposed to be an exciting time for us, and that we're supposed to be happy, but she's not. She said that she still feels like a death has happened and she's in mourning. I also asked her if she felt like she would be able to come to the wedding, and she said that she didn't know if she could, because she didn't feel like she could go into the temple with an unhappy heart. I told her that when someone makes a decision and you can't do anything about it, you kind of just have to accept it and you're the one you makes the choice to be upset. You have the power to change that, it's all your choice.. we went on and talked about other things... but that is the main gist.

With my dad, I talked to him on Tuesday... oh boy... well we sat down and he told me that we needed to catch up and fill each other in. He said that he wouldn't be pushing this (waiting a year) so hard if it were just him. He said that it's God telling him that He needs more time for me, that I need to wait a year to be prepared and ready for this. Otherwise, if it were just him he would have let it go a long time ago and gotten us married. I told him that the spirit told me that Jesse is the guy I need to marry and this time is a good time. He said I was just in love and that it was overruling my common sense. He also asked me if I remembered a time where God told me "No" and I followed it. I said yes and he asked me when, and I said it wasn't relevant and that it didn't matter. He then told me that he knew what it was like when he was 18, and that he knew it was difficult to tell whether or not God said "No". He also told me that I didn't have enough faith and that I needed to completely rely on my fathers words. He said I shouldn't pray about the blessings I have recieved to see if they are true, instead I should pray for him to give me strength to follow his words. He told me that I was throwing away his blessings and that I thought they were empty and didn't mean anything. I tried to explain to him that wasn't the case, but he wouldn't let me. He just told me that I needed to listen to God and wait a year, because there is something that he needs to prepare me for. I told my dad, well I can experience it with Jesse. He then told me I needed to tell Jesse that he needed to go back on his mission... I told him that when that came up in our conversations that I mentioned I would support him if he chose to go or to stay, and that it wasn't my place to tell Jesse what to do. He then told me I was just afraid to tell him, and that I didn't have enough courage to say, "Jesse I won't marry you unless you finish your mission." I told him that Jesse had already recieved his answer on this and that I didn't need to probe it any further. My dad bashed on me... and it came off as if he were saying "If you don't do this, then you are going against everything that God says." I asked him what he would do if I said I was getting married; how he would react; etc... and he said well if that's the case ... I've never held a grudge, so I would forgive you and patch up the relationships. That he would keep doors open. I also asked him if he would come to the wedding, and he said that he didn't know if he could because of the spirit that would be there and that he couldn't go in unhappy, but that he wanted to go and he would probably give into that and try as hard as he could to be there. Then he continued lecturing me on my lack of faith and courage, and ended with saying, "Now think about this for a long time, and really think about it; then let me know." I was just so crushed and hurt that I didn't have the power to come back and tell him I had already made my decision... I am getting married on June 3rd... but it couldn't come out and I left crying and upset. It didn't go so well... but that is what happened with my family... sigh... oh well... life sucks sometimes, I'll just have to get over it.